COLUMBIA, SC — With the arrival of the college football season, what better way to get things under way than to warmly welcome our neighbors to the North for the opening game?
Thats right, our good friends from Chapel Hill and the rest of the Tar Heel State will be crossing the border to watch their boys in blue take on those feisty Gamecocks, ranked No. 6 in all the land.
Usually, the only time people travel from North Carolina to this state comes when they head over to Myrtle Beach in the summer to play miniature golf and shop at the Gay Dolphin. (They dont even go to Clemson to play football every other season any more.)
So forgive them if theyre not too well-versed in how the Palmetto State works. The last time they came to Williams-Brice Stadium occurred during the Bush administration the first one. It was 1990 to be exact, when the football programs were run by guys with funny names like Sparky and Mack.
USC won that one. But UNC has twice as many wins in the all-time series 34-17 with four ties dating back to the 1700s, when the border between the states was first created and the old pigskin was actually a dead pig.
Residents of the two states have long harbored some resentment toward each other.
First they argued over where Andrew Jackson, the seventh U.S. president, was born in 1767. Both states claim his birthplace right where our Lancaster County touches your Union County and the dispute has never gone away, despite the fact Jackson tweeted out in 1825 that he was born in South Carolina. North Carolinians still question the legitimacy of that particular Twitter account, @OldHickory.
Next, they argued over basketball coach Frank McGuire, who led UNC to a national championship in 1957. McGuire later left the school and eventually settled in Columbia as USCs coach. McGuires 1971 team beat the Tar Heels in the Atlantic Coast Conference championship game, causing so much bitterness that all the schools on Tobacco Road held their breath and stamped their feet until South Carolina left the conference in a snit.
Thats why USC and UNC havent met many times in any sport since then, which has left Tar Heel fans with little experience on how to act when they enter the world of smiling faces and beautiful places.
So were here with some practical advice for the 5,500 UNC fans making the trip to Columbia. Please pay close attention. It just might keep this border war from escalating.
WATCH HOW YOU USE THE TERM CAROLINA
Once you ride past Carowinds on I-77, Carolina no longer means North Carolina. It means South Carolina. Thats just how it is, and nobody here cares what the rest of the country thinks. If you stop for lunch at Steak n Shake off the Rock Hill exit, dont say youre rooting for Carolina while youre wearing light blue. You might get leg-whipped with a tire iron in the parking lot by an irate guy wearing garnet.
DONT BRAG ABOUT THE SUPER REGIONAL
Sure, your baseball team beat the Gamecocks in June to go to the College World Series. But you still havent won it all, and USC has grabbed two national titles in recent seasons. (However, USC coach Chad Holbrook is a UNC grad, which has a few Gamecock fans wondering if hes a double agent. You can be certain that when UNC scores Thursday, theyll be checking to see whether Holbrook is doing a touchdown dance while exchanging a secret handshake with his good buddy Tar Heels basketball coach Roy Williams.)
AVOID DISCUSSING BARBECUE SAUCE
If you turn your nose up at a mustard-based barbecue sandwich here in the Midlands and start extolling the virtues of vinegar-based barbecue, you may find yourself stuffed into a bottle filled with Hites sauce and floating back up the Catawba River.
DONT TRUMPET YOUR ACADEMICS
Or else USC fans will pull out a UNC African studies course guide filled with no-show classes (which got the Tar Heels is some trouble with the NCAA).
TRY NOT TO BRING UP YOUR BASKETBALL SUPERIORITY
You wouldnt want Frank Martin to fix his really mean glare on your tailgate party, now would you?